Writer's Block

I don't care for Halloween. Never have, never will. I dimly recall as a child going to a sister's friend's fancy dress party dressed in a bin liner in order to expose the whole thing for the shallow charade it was. Because I was a subversive child. Meanwhile, Sunderland drew 3-3 at home with Bolton Wanderers tonight, the only team below them in the second tier of English football and who had up to this point scored two goals away from home this season. Simon Grayson has rightly been sacked this evening after one win in 15 matches but it's difficult to imagine who will come and manage this basket case of a football club who might change its fortunes around and prevent a catastrophic back to back relegation. Following Sunderland was never a cakewalk but it's become an ordeal, sucking all the joy and enthusiasm out of me and everyone else who loves the club. Like a vampire.

1. "45" 2. The 59 Sound 3. Have Mercy 4. Blue Dahlia. 5. Bring It On 6. The Spirit of Jazz 7. Boxer 8. The Backseat 9. Great Expectations 10. Have Mercy 11. Get Hurt 12. Helter Skeleton

Almost an entire week of blogs without content. This would suggest that I'm busy. I'm actually just mentally and physically exhausted for very little reason. I ate an entire 500ml tub of Ben and Jerrys earlier which, like everyone else in the world, is a sign that I'm sad/depressed. It was a flavour that I had never tried before, although I'm not sure that's enough to absolve me. It was Berry Neighbourly, for the record. Fortunately it is a delightful fruity sensation, but also yet another act of self-abuse. I do want to address the issue of my weight in the new year when I don't have an exam looming over me (hopefully). But I've said this to myself so many times before and time is running out to make a change.

Sorry

Precious little content this week. Basically because precious little is going on. I'm coughing a lot and limping towards my exam retake/the end of the year. I was going to revise for my retake tonight but instead watched four episodes of Bojack Horseman. Any time you spend watching Bojack Horseman is not truly wasted but it doesn't say much for my powers of motivation at the moment. My powers of motivation have always been questionable admittedly. Still, tomorrow is another day.

A young boy walked past the shop tonight as my colleague and I were closing up. "What happens in there?", he enquired to his father. I didn't hear his response but it's probably for the best he doesn't know. I caught a headline on BBC News tonight about how there are apparently 400k gambling addicts in this country and only one specialist treatment centre. I probably should have stayed and watched the piece but having just got home from work, I didn't feel especially inclined to do so. I suppose everyone likes to separate their working lives from their personal lives, but it feels especially important for me to switch off from what I do. I don't lie in bed at night worried that I'm complicit in the ruination of other people's lives, but nor am I shut off from the consequences of what I'm involved in. I sense that this might become one of the major themes of my next stand-up show, whenever I get around to writing it.

A bad day at work. An early issue triggered my anxiety, leading to a stupid unfixable mistake and a few smaller unimportant errors. It feels especially self-defeating when you've allowed yourself to get worked up by something, your heart's pounding and you lose your focus and exacerbated the problem. But such things are the exception and not the norm and I still have many more good (if that's the right word) working days than bad ones. I'm struggling to take care of myself in all areas of my life but the "mental health" one is especially difficult to pin down. But it's best to draw a line under it and move on for now.