2014


On this day last year, I was feeling about as low as I've ever felt. A setback in my personal life seemed to reaffirm what I'd been feeling for the past three years, that things were never going to get better. I decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore and went to see my GP. I subsequently started taking medication and underwent a course of CBT. Sitting here now, I feel a greater sense of mental clarity, a stark contrast from the days when I would walk around feeling hopelessly sad on an almost constant basis.

 I've heard mixed things from people about CBT, but my experience was wholly positive. In the main, it has helped me to identifying negative patterns of thinking and nip them in the bud. Coming to terms with my feelings and acknowledging the triggers for my low moods has helped me a great deal. I still have dark days and there's a lot of work for me still to do but the work I've done on my mental health this year has given me a platform to get better.

On the face of it, I should be proud with what I've achieved in 2014. I was genuinely chuffed to pass my driving test (even with more attempts than I would have liked) because as someone who is dyspraxic I wondered whether I would be able to. I took control of my weight situation, swallowed my pride and joined a Slimming World class. I have lost 10% of my body weight in 3 months. Admittedly, I did put about 2% of it back on over Christmas but am confident of undoing that damage.

But it's difficult to sit here in the knowledge that it's been yet another year with no progression in my career. I have once again failed to find full time employment (or even alternative part time employment) and I'm finding this increasingly difficult to come to terms with. Logically, I can't be the only one who struggles with this but that doesn't stop me from feeling alone.

I feel like a tourist actually. There are things in the world that I experience and enjoy like the cinema (Boyhood, The Grand Budapest Hotel and Guardians of the Galaxy all terrific), sports (visiting Twickenham, Lords and the new Wembley for the first time this year) and gigs (the highlights being The Hold Steady, Kevin Devine and New Found Glory). But without a full time job and staying with my parents, I feel like I'm not really a part of the society I live in. I'm still unsure what defines me, other than being one of a broad spectrum of people who perform unpaid spots at stand-up comedy gigs.

At considerable personal expense, I am training to be an accountant in the new year. It already feels to me like my last chance to build a career. But I'm up for the challenge and I'm not sure I could have said that a year ago.

I get tired of saying to people, "I guess I'll keep trying". But I will. Happy New Year.

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