15th July
Very little to report today, other than that I appear to be exceedingly tired again. It appears to be a perfect storm of medication side effects and the impact of permanently being out of shape. I weighed myself yesterday for the first time in a while and I am now 1 stone 3 pounds heavier than I was at the start of the year. I frankly can't let this slump continue as I'm now staring down the barrel of very serious health problems in the years to come.
I reflected earlier today that it's six years to the month since I graduated. 6 years later, I live in my parent's home in south east London and have never had a full time job. There are perhaps caveats. An ill-advised MA, depression, a dead end part time job, volunteering stints, a modicum of success doing stand-up. But it's difficult not to feel that the more years that go past, the less chance I have of turning things around. There are a few days where I find it difficult to live with myself and the fact I'm seemingly incapable of making progress in my life.
A guy called Tim who used to do stand-up and who I don't know that well posted a status on Facebook about his cousin's son. He took his life yesterday at 27, my age. I'm paraphrasing Tim a bit here, but he condemned the notion that his decision was cowardly and that it was based on an overwhelming, incomprehensible sense of sadness and despair. I think he's absolutely correct. None of us have the right to judge anyone on the circumstances surrounding their mental health.
I can only send my best wishes to Tim's family and to everyone who has lost someone in these circumstances. Doubtless it sounds trite to say but it provided some much needed perspective. I frequently forget that I'm not alone, even if I feel that I am. I have good days and bad days, but I still want to go on. And that puts me in a better place than a great many people, sadly.
I reflected earlier today that it's six years to the month since I graduated. 6 years later, I live in my parent's home in south east London and have never had a full time job. There are perhaps caveats. An ill-advised MA, depression, a dead end part time job, volunteering stints, a modicum of success doing stand-up. But it's difficult not to feel that the more years that go past, the less chance I have of turning things around. There are a few days where I find it difficult to live with myself and the fact I'm seemingly incapable of making progress in my life.
A guy called Tim who used to do stand-up and who I don't know that well posted a status on Facebook about his cousin's son. He took his life yesterday at 27, my age. I'm paraphrasing Tim a bit here, but he condemned the notion that his decision was cowardly and that it was based on an overwhelming, incomprehensible sense of sadness and despair. I think he's absolutely correct. None of us have the right to judge anyone on the circumstances surrounding their mental health.
I can only send my best wishes to Tim's family and to everyone who has lost someone in these circumstances. Doubtless it sounds trite to say but it provided some much needed perspective. I frequently forget that I'm not alone, even if I feel that I am. I have good days and bad days, but I still want to go on. And that puts me in a better place than a great many people, sadly.
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