17th February

I'm not altogether sure this blog will make sense but here goes. I'm very tired. I'm not sure I have much reason to be but I am. I've recently completed a 9 and a half hour shift with 45 minutes added on due to an alarm malfunction. 4 of those hours involved working alone which adds additional anxieties and pressures. By the end of this week I will have worked 46.5 hours. I feel this is certainly at the upper limit of what I can handle physically and mentally but is not much more than the average 9-5 work week.

I basically don't know whether I'm right to feel like it can all be a bit much sometimes or if I'm some sort of idle workshy arsehole. A very optimistic reading of my situation is that I'm about five years behind where I should be in my career. I'm still carrying a lot of guilt about those wasted years and not a great deal of self confidence about how best to move forwards. I've had friends in the past tell me that they're going to interviews for jobs that they're almost certainly going to get and they've turned out to be right. My more negative thoughts tell me that the only reason I have this job is that they're desperate for people to do it and that I'll never get a job that will lead to a worthwhile career or that I'll actually enjoy.

Does this ever fucking go away? I dunno.

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