24 Stone, 5 Pounds
A friend (who may or may not read this, so I won't go into too much detail) revealed recently that they had lost a stone and a half in the past five weeks. This gave me pause, in part because said person had gone from above my weight to below my weight. I weighed myself last week during a particularly low moment. I think my logic was that at that point I couldn't possibly feel any worse about myself. I thought 27 stone was a genuine possibility, it turned out that I was 24 stone, 5 pounds. I don't have the actual statistics on this but I am reasonably certain that this is the largest weight I have ever been.
I've consulted the brief period when I wrote my weight down in blogs a couple of years ago. I am three stone and 2 pounds heavier than I was at roughly the midway point of 2015, a period when I was seemingly concerned enough about my weight to make a token effort to monitor it. I don't know how this possibly makes sense but I am both aware that I'm reaching a dangerous potentially life threatening weight and largely unmotivated to do anything about it.
I still feel compelled to eat and eat and eat and eat. It gets me through the day, gets me through my low points, helps me forget for a while. I don't know if I have the strength to turn my back on it forever. To permanently and completely overhaul my diet for the rest of my life. No pizza, no chinese, no ice cream, no Pepsi Max. In terms of getting down to a healthy weight and staying there, that's what I would have to do.
But as I get older, the effects on me will worsen and I can already feel it happening. 2XL has become 3XL has become 4XL. I walk much more slowly than I used to and find stairs an increasingly great struggle. I know in the past I've been discriminated against at job interviews because of my weight because I've been told as much. As someone still trying to move on in their career, I'm not sure I can really ignore that.
I'd love to be able to take a leaf out of the books of fat pride activists and be able and confident enough to say that I love myself at this weight and think others could love me too. But I don't think I can. I'd also love to end this blog by telling the reader that I've resolved to follow in my friend's footsteps. But I don't think I can do that either. At this specific moment in time, I feel like I'm too far gone to change.
I've consulted the brief period when I wrote my weight down in blogs a couple of years ago. I am three stone and 2 pounds heavier than I was at roughly the midway point of 2015, a period when I was seemingly concerned enough about my weight to make a token effort to monitor it. I don't know how this possibly makes sense but I am both aware that I'm reaching a dangerous potentially life threatening weight and largely unmotivated to do anything about it.
I still feel compelled to eat and eat and eat and eat. It gets me through the day, gets me through my low points, helps me forget for a while. I don't know if I have the strength to turn my back on it forever. To permanently and completely overhaul my diet for the rest of my life. No pizza, no chinese, no ice cream, no Pepsi Max. In terms of getting down to a healthy weight and staying there, that's what I would have to do.
But as I get older, the effects on me will worsen and I can already feel it happening. 2XL has become 3XL has become 4XL. I walk much more slowly than I used to and find stairs an increasingly great struggle. I know in the past I've been discriminated against at job interviews because of my weight because I've been told as much. As someone still trying to move on in their career, I'm not sure I can really ignore that.
I'd love to be able to take a leaf out of the books of fat pride activists and be able and confident enough to say that I love myself at this weight and think others could love me too. But I don't think I can. I'd also love to end this blog by telling the reader that I've resolved to follow in my friend's footsteps. But I don't think I can do that either. At this specific moment in time, I feel like I'm too far gone to change.
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