The Breath Of Sadness

I fear catastrophe is on the horizon.

I'm currently sat in a library listening to Sit Down by James on repeat. I'm not sure what that actually says about my current mental state, but it probably doesn't bode well. It feels like a song for depressives anyway. I'm trying to motivate myself to do all the things I need to do before the end of month, but finding it difficult. The past few nights have involved a lot of laying awake until 5am, trying to combat the worst of my thoughts. Part of me wants to head off in the middle of night and never come back.

I hasten to add that I don't mean that in a suicidal sense. Just a feeling of wanting to escape, to travel as far away as I possibly can. I feel particularly lonely and isolated at the moment. I appreciate that the fault is my own, that there are few people invested in my life in all likelihood because I am not invested in other people's lives as much as I should be. One of my friends frequently used to tell me that I need to open up more and "let people in". I tended to dismiss it as clichéd rubbish but maybe he had a point.

I experienced some romantic rejection last month which came as something of a surprise to me, as I had obviously misjudged how it was going. I'm trying to salvage a friendship with the person in question at the moment. Part of me would desperately like to know why but I suspect they couldn't tell me or wouldn't even if they could. It has convinced me to stop dating. I'm aware that the noble thing to do is say that you're going to plough on regardless and express your determination to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But increasingly it feels like a waste of time and energy.

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