27th May
I don't know to what extent other people are plagued by dark thoughts in the night but last night, I thought about killing myself. I should stress that it was a fleeting feeling. Liam Williams put it beautifully on stage once: "I have thought about suicide but only in the same way that I've thought about going for a jog every morning for the past seven years". I feel similarly. I want to stress to anyone who might be reading this that I'm not in any imminent danger to myself and I haven't at any point made plans to end my life. One of the main things that I took away from CBT (I really need to revisit the recordings I made at the time) is that thoughts are not necessarily truthful and should not be considered as such.
I have the day off today and I'm in bed now. To be honest, at the moment I'm in bed more often than not if I'm not obligated to be elsewhere. I can't pinpoint it necessarily, whether I'm physically exhausted, mental exhausted, just plain bone idle or a combination of the above. I believe I described my life to a friend recently as something like "I'm muddling through until such time as I can do something other than muddle through". I have a very loose plan for what I want to achieve in the next 18 months but don't necessarily feel that I'm currently in a position to act on that.
The argument my brain made at the time was related to the sense of stasis in my life that has been a recurring problem in my twenties. If you're going to continue living in your parent's spare room, doing a job that you find unfulfilling for less than £10k, struggling with weight issues and remaining single due to consistently failing with women, then why not end it all? Why continue living the same humdrum life because you're seemingly incapable of doing any better?
Of course, the logical response to that is that I love my parents too much to put them through that ordeal and that there are probably too many things in this world that I'm invested in to give up on them. Most silly things admittedly. Like wanting to see if Manchester United will return to the glory days, or if Sunderland will return to the Premier League. And countless TV shows, movies, records and gigs to enjoy in the years to come. But even my engagement with those things is a solo one, where I'm frequently disconnected from the rest of the world.
I feel that I've struggled to make friends throughout my life because of a fear of rejection and feeling a sense of separation between myself and everyone else. Having lived a certain proportion of my life in isolation, I feel certain chickens are coming home to roost now that the limited friends I do have are starting to move away from me for various and entirely understandable reasons.
I'm unsure what this blog is. It's not a cry for help. Thoughts are just thoughts and I hope I'll get something out of addressing them.
I have the day off today and I'm in bed now. To be honest, at the moment I'm in bed more often than not if I'm not obligated to be elsewhere. I can't pinpoint it necessarily, whether I'm physically exhausted, mental exhausted, just plain bone idle or a combination of the above. I believe I described my life to a friend recently as something like "I'm muddling through until such time as I can do something other than muddle through". I have a very loose plan for what I want to achieve in the next 18 months but don't necessarily feel that I'm currently in a position to act on that.
The argument my brain made at the time was related to the sense of stasis in my life that has been a recurring problem in my twenties. If you're going to continue living in your parent's spare room, doing a job that you find unfulfilling for less than £10k, struggling with weight issues and remaining single due to consistently failing with women, then why not end it all? Why continue living the same humdrum life because you're seemingly incapable of doing any better?
Of course, the logical response to that is that I love my parents too much to put them through that ordeal and that there are probably too many things in this world that I'm invested in to give up on them. Most silly things admittedly. Like wanting to see if Manchester United will return to the glory days, or if Sunderland will return to the Premier League. And countless TV shows, movies, records and gigs to enjoy in the years to come. But even my engagement with those things is a solo one, where I'm frequently disconnected from the rest of the world.
I feel that I've struggled to make friends throughout my life because of a fear of rejection and feeling a sense of separation between myself and everyone else. Having lived a certain proportion of my life in isolation, I feel certain chickens are coming home to roost now that the limited friends I do have are starting to move away from me for various and entirely understandable reasons.
I'm unsure what this blog is. It's not a cry for help. Thoughts are just thoughts and I hope I'll get something out of addressing them.
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