6th September

In the early hours of this morning, I was gripped by a terrible sense of dread that I had lost something pertinent to my work. But before then I had already spiralled downwards mentally, hypothesising a future in which I was sacked and unable to find another job and driven to suicide. Clearly that's not normal, but these anxiety issues continue to dog me.

The incident has made me reflect on how well I'm coping with everything and I've concluded that the answer is probably not as well as I had hoped. 4 years ago, I had serious doubts about whether I was able to function as a human being at all. Things have improved since then but I feel that I'm still a long way way from moving on in my life to the stages that might be considered "normal" for someone of my age.

I suffer from depression and know that I suffer from depression and will in all likelyhood have to manage that for the rest of my life. But I feel that I need to do more and push myself more if I'm ever going to be happy or achieve the things that I want from life.

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