14th October

I woke up on my friend Joanna's sofa in East London this morning after a long dark night of the soul, several conversations about life and several episodes of Bojack Horseman. I mostly recall an animated character from said series saying "It's never too late to be the person you want to be" before some intense staring. I've known Jo for eight years and I've always hugely admired her. In some respects I feel embarrassed talking about my problems with her, because she lacks many of the advantages I've had in my life but has found a way to stay positive and meet her goals.

I mostly did a lot of monosyllabic mumbling in part because I'm unwell and my voice is about 50% gravel and 25% falsetto but in part because I struggle to articulate my feelings. For a few reasons, I'm having a difficult time at the moment and am paying the price for a number of self-destructive decisions. I'm still grappling with the notion that I have worth and that I am capable of being a fully functioning member of humanity. I also feel I'm nearing a sort of "point of no return" over a few things, my weight in particular. I'm going to try to take things one day at a time.

In an unrelated matter, we also saw Daniel Kitson do a work in progress show at the Battersea Arts Centre last night, "A Short Series Of Disagreements Presented Here In Chronological Order". For a show that premieres in Washington DC on 2nd November, it felt a bit slight. I am a huge fan and admirer of Kitson's work but I wonder if he's spreading himself a little thin by taking on two big creative projects in a year. It's still a pleasure to watch him riff off an audience (and he's still probably the most naturally funny man I've ever seen on stage) but it was by far the best part of a show that's currently low on content. I've seen him enough to know that the finished article will be well worth seeing but I'm not getting as much out of seeing the creative process unfurling as I used to.