Writer's Block

So here it is, the post that concludes five straight months of blogs. What an emotional journey it's been. True to form, I have very little to say. I have already decided that I'm not going to repeat this in 2016. While it does motivate me to write, enforcing a daily blog has lead to too many posts of this type. Although I suspect lifting the pressure of the daily blog will result in me writing much much less, if at all. I've been catching up on Netflix, giving Community another chance to revise my previous opinion of it (it's trying too hard, there is too much material and it struggles to give its jokes time to breathe). I also caught "Hot Girls Wanted", the documentary on the amateur porn industry produced by Rashida Jones. The conclusions it draws are not too surprising but it provides an interesting insight into the lives of the young women who choose that particular path and the long term effects it has on them and their personal relationships. It also ...

Given that the early stages of this blog had something of an FA Cup theme, it seems appropriate to touch upon the conclusion of this season's tournament with the curtain falling on the 2014-15 season. As a neutral, you hope for a competitive match and I was disappointed, with Arsenal controlling the game from start to finish, playing with a much greater intensity against an Aston Villa team who simply didn't show up. Villa should feel aggrieved that referee John Moss (who has along with most of the other officials in the Premier League has had a terrible season) failed to award them two penalties for fouls on Gabby Agbonlahor and Jack Grealish. It might conceivably have put a much kinder spin on the scoreboard than the 4-0 final score, which didn't flatter the Gunners. By far the highlight was Alexis Sanchez's second goal, a swerving 25 yard strike that confounded Shay Given in the Villa goal and flew into the back of the net. It was what those of us in the know like ...

I ventured to Dalston last night for Hilarity In Shoes. It was 11pm before I got on stage and I made merry with the lateness of the hour, the tendency of the other acts to refer to the pub's strange decor (a large frame featuring no artwork, with actual artwork with newspaper cuttings on the ceiling) and generally feigned grumpiness towards the whole enterprise. It was mucking about basically, something that I think I need to do more often to loosen myself up a bit on stage. Despite the small numbers (I counted three who could be recognised as punters), there was a community feel to proceedings with everyone sticking around for most of the show at least. I've gigged on a few occasions with Ian Lane, who rightly chastised me for my involvement in the Joker's final earlier in the week. He pointed out some 18 months previously I had said that I was done with new act competitions. But I can't resist coming back one last time, like Rocky. I think Ian took it as a witheri...

There are occasions where, having committed to writing one blog in every 24 hour period, you find yourself with a very small window of time to write. This is very much one of those occasions. So I will merely say that I am pleased that FIFA finally appear to be facing justice over the allegations of fraud and corruption that football fans have been aware of for years now. It is my hope that we will now see reform in the governance of the sport. These charges seem to correlate perfectly with Sepp Blatter's tenure as FIFA president, an odious man who I'd love to see sent down. As always, he seemed largely unfazed by yesterday's events. One commentator observed something along the lines of "In the event of nuclear war, the only survivors would be cockroaches and Sepp Blatter". I look forward to seeing how this develops but the fact that FIFA now seem to have lost the support of the European governing body is telling. Yesterday, Dick Advocaat also confirmed he wou...

I headed back to Rainham last night for the Joker's Joker of the Year competition final. My 7th and definitely last competition final ended much like the previous six, in bitter bitter defeat. So close and yet so far from glory, I'm like Spurs or something. The crowd consisted of something like 15 punters, 10 judges/people otherwise connected with the competition and 14 acts. It was once again held in The Phoenix, a nice pub with a spacious beer garden but largely unsuitable for stand-up comedy. The noise bleeding in from the regulars on the other side of the bar remained an issue, particularly in the second half. I went on second in the first half and honestly felt as though I did the best I could. But I couldn't rouse the crowd. It wasn't a complete death and listening back to my recording, I heard a smattering of laughter from various sections of the room. But "smattering" is not a word one wishes to apply to a stand-up comedy performance. The more main...

Previous Weight: 21 stone, 3 pounds. New Weight: 21 stone, 8 pounds . Weight Gain: 5 pounds . Total 2015 Weight Gain: 5 pounds. Well. This frankly is completely humiliating. I don't think I'm going to post these up any more.

That's the number of people who decided they wanted to spend at least a small amount of their Bank Holiday Monday in the Studio at Chartwell. It was the busiest day that I've ever worked in terms of numbers, beating 1,180 which I believe was set on the same Bank Holiday two years ago. Subsequently, I am very tired and have done very little else today other than try to get my Sunderland side on FIFA to build on their FA Cup/Premier League double success of last season. England also beat Spain 2-1 in the final of Euro 2016, courtesy of goals from Jordan Henderson and Theo Walcott. Such things truly are the stuff of fantasy. Oh and Norwich whizzed on the chips of my "when teams go down from the Premier League, they stay down" theory by beating Middlesbrough 2-0 at Wembley this afternoon. Congratulations to them. I have connections with the Middlesbrough area and I have some sympathy with them. But they should now have built themselves a good platform to get automatic p...

In the end, it was more Sophorific Sunday than Survival Sunday. Save for two correctly disallowed goals, a couple of fine saves from Victor Valdes and Marouane Fellaini's inexplicable decision to tread on Paul McShane, little of any interest took place in a dour 0-0 draw between Hull and Manchester United that sent the former down to the Championship. It wouldn't have mattered in any event as Newcastle found their first victory since February, a 2-0 win over West Ham. Hull fans are probably the only ones who would have been displeased to hear news of the second goal, scored by Jonas Gutierrez. Gutierrez returned to competitive football in March having spent the past year recovering from testicular cancer. To have returned from health problems that could well have cost him his career (if not his life) is one thing. To score such a timely goal for his club is, I'm sure, simply icing on the cake. Hull then, slip back into the second tier. It's a difficult place to return...

This is a filler blog, I'm not going to lie. Very little to report other than 837 people through the doors of the studio today. In terms of popularity, summer very much seems to be here. In the meantime, I continue to be surprised that Eurovision is a thing that people still care about. Hopefully it'll all be over soon and I can go back on Twitter. Although whether that's something I should relish is up for debate. Prior to a Bank Holiday Monday work shift that may reduce me to a weeping mess, I will have a quiet Sunday in watching the last day of the Premier League season. It has been dubbed "Survival Sunday" in a vain attempt to heighten the drama of a day that seems to me like it will be relatively straightforward. Hull need to beat Manchester United and hope that Newcastle fail to beat West Ham, otherwise Hull will go down. Obviously I want United to finish the season well and would never wish them to lose, even if Newcastle being relegated would be very ver...

Urgh. Got up early to do some practice motorway driving and assist with a big shop and have spent the last eight hours undergoing some sort of physical collapse. I write this from my bed, where I have been laying now for quite some time. I've had a busy working week (by my standards) and that's probably had an impact. Plus y'know, I'm double the healthy weight of a 5ft 9 in man. I'm doing two of the busiest National Trust days of the year this weekend (Saturday and Bank Holiday Monday) and will desperately require as much energy as I can muster. To that end, I will shortly be going to bed. On Tuesday, I had another gig at The Phoenix in Rainham, one of three semi finals for the Joker's Joker Of The Year competition. My Dad tagged along and formed a crowd of four, plus acts. Such occasions are the time to knuckle down and get on with the job in hand. I think I did just that really, rolling out about 7 minutes of my punchiest stuff, a bit tighter than I was in t...

Previous Weight: 21 stone, 7 pounds. New Weight: 21 stone, 3 pounds . Weight Loss: 4 pounds . Total 2015 Weight Loss: 0 pounds. Sweet, sweet parity. I mainly attribute this week's comeback success to not eating Domino's, not having such a terrible week food wise and getting back to the gym. I genuinely enjoy going to the gym, it's just been difficult to make time for it of late as I've been focusing a lot on interviews, gigs and dramatic football matches that take years off my life*. The past three days have already been worse than last week, so I don't have high hopes for Tuesday's weigh in. Not eating fast food is one thing, cutting out doughnuts and sugary frappucino nightmares is quite another. *24 hours later and the joy still hasn't worn off. You can't get rid of us, Premier League.

As Sir Alex Ferguson once said, "Football, bloody hell". The pertinent information is that Sunderland drew 0-0 with Arsenal at the Emirates tonight, securing the point they required to ensure Premier League survival. But my God, it took the longest 93 minutes of my life to get there. I'm something of a mess right now. But the relief, oh dear god the relief, to be spared a final day shootout with Hull and Newcastle. As always when getting a result at one of the top four sides in the league, we rode our luck. But generally, this was a strong defensive performance, confounding a below par Arsenal side. Costel Pantilimon had to make at least three saves but Sebastian Coates was the pick of a number of quality Sunderland performances. His anticipation was absolutely superb, making a number of key clearances. There will be more discussion and more analysis of the limitations of this Sunderland side in the coming days. Serious changes need to be made to prevent the club from...

I mentioned the concept of Mindfulness in a blog last week. I heard Ruby Wax talk engagingly on the subject in her show "Sane New World" at the Churchill Theatre last year and her belief that information on it should be more publicly available. Other than that, I haven't yet researched it in great detail. In my last meeting with my Access To Work/Remploy advisor yesterday, she pointed me in the direction of a couple of Mindfulness apps. She explained as the app was loading that it provided a topic on which to focus one's thoughts, as the subject "Focus on your sexual desire" flashed up on the screen. Cue hilarity. Darren Maskell often reacts with derision when I inform him that I've purchased a cassette tape. I procured another one yesterday. On this occasion, it was the only format available for Tellison's "Tact Is Dead" EP. Five tracks, including the "Tact Is Dead" single, a solid acoustic reworking of the upcoming single ...

I took a trip to the Genesis Cinema in Whitechapel last Wednesday following a conversation with my friend Joanna in which she questioned my belief that you couldn't find a cinema ticket for . I am pleased to be proved wrong with Genesis offering £4 tickets on Mondays and Wednesdays. Rosewater tells the story of Maziar Bahari, who documented the public protests after the 2009 general election in Iran. He was subsequently imprisoned by the Iranian government for five months having been accused of espionage. It's Jon Stewart's directorial debut with a story that indirectly involved him, with Bahari filming one of The Daily Show's trademark mock field pieces with correspondant Jason Jones (playing himself in the film in a recreation of the interview). In the piece, Jones essentially pretends to be an American spy. The footage is subsequently used by the Iranians to demonstrate that Bahari is working against Iran. This revelation is one of the film's few blackly comi...

That title could refer to any number of different things in my life but on this occasion, we're back onto football. Even though I know when the football season will end. One week today, on the 24th May. Sunderland's plucky if uninspiring 0-0 draw against Leicester City has nudged us closer to safety, with Hull losing to Tottenham and Newcastle also suffering defeat away at relegated QPR. But we have the wretched variable of two remaining fixtures away to Arsenal and Chelsea. To drop out of the Premier League, Sunderland would have to lose both matches, Hull would need to beat Manchester United and Newcastle would need to beat West Ham (or draw with West Ham and Sunderland would need to lose both matches with a combined deficit of five goals). I do not think all of those four things will happen. But suffice to say, there is a nervy week in prospect. At least this time next week it will all definitively be over one way or the other and I can get on with my annual May vow to sto...

I enjoyed Kevin Devine's show on Wednesday so much that I decided to come back on Thursday, having bought a ticket for both events some three months previously. Much to my delight, Stephen H Davidson (the frontman of indie rock heroes Tellison) was supporting with a mixture of old ("Tell It To Thebes" and "Freud Links The Teeth And The Heart", the latter's cheesy lyrics prompting laughter in the room) and new tracks ("Wrecker" and another song that's inspired by Napoleon). My excitement for the new Tellison record has reached its peak, although the highlight of his set was an emotive cover of "The Way You Look Tonight". As Devine later observed, Davidson is a strong writer with a nice line in wry lyrics. Having performed tracks from his first four records the previous night, Devine completed his career retrospective with an entirely different set. He self deprecatingly refers to "Between The Concrete And Clouds" as his m...

Over the last 18 months, I've largely been able to keep my mental health issues in check. In particular, going on medication last year has generally given me a sense of mental clarity. There are posters on the Tube at the moment promoting the concept of Mindfullness, which encourages people to focus their thoughts on the present. For the most part, I've succeeded in doing that. The last 48 hours have been the most challenging for me to negotiate since the start of 2014. It's difficult to know how to pinpoint it exactly, but it's been something of a perfect storm of negative thinking. I went on a date on Saturday night, my first one in 2015. Dates are still quite high pressure situations for me. I know anyone reading this might argue that dates are high pressure situations for anyone. Without going into specifics, I have been single for a long time. For an almost equally long time, I've wanted to be in a relationship. I have gone through spells where it has bothe...

I headed to the pleasant surroundings of St Pancras Old Church last night for the second of three Kevin Devine shows taking place there this week. He was supported by Matthew Caws, probably best known for his work with the band Nada Surf. It's a pleasant half hour of acoustic songs enhanced by a voice with a surprisingly high vocal register. He even manages to gain a decent response from closing with a song reminding us that we're all going to die. Assured stuff. These shows are essentially a career retrospective for Kevin Devine, starting by performing songs from his first four records. Sensibly he groups them by album, allowing him (much like Andrew McMahon's solo show back in February) to provide a wider context for the tracks. For example, an amusing anecdote about asking a conciege in a New York hotel where to find blow leads into the songs from "Put Your Ghost To Rest", an album loosely themed around confronting addiction. From there, we head into "...

Previous Weight: 21 stone, 4 pounds. New Weight: 21 stone, 7 pounds . Weight Gain: 3 pounds . Total 2015 Weight Gain: 4 pounds . See, this is the ridiculous thing. I can sit down and write a blog about how I'm aware of the potential dangers of letting my weight creep back up and say that I'm concerned about it, then put on twice as much weight the following week. I'm just making terrible decisions all the time because I forget about the impact that it'll have on me later. So many times this year my thought process has been something along the lines of "I WANT A CAKE AND A MILKSHAKE BECAUSE I'M SAD". There were certainly a couple of times last week where I ate in response to stressful situations. Or to recover from a stressful situation. Or to try and cheer myself up somehow. Or because I was offered a Dominos' and didn't have the willpower to say no. I need to try harder and do better, but cannot seem to motivate myself to do that. I'v...

I said that I tend to have a nice time when I go down to Brighton and yesterday was no exception. We had a full room at the Quadrant and everyone had a decent gig. My favourites were Dan Fardell* (a strong writer) and Gary Colman (an impressive club style set), along with Robyn Perkins (a host so affable she can get away with accidentally hitting a woman in the crowd on the knee with a microphone). I was largely pleased with my part in things, growing into the set as it went along. A new joke regarding my weight loss struggles is continuing to get a decent response, while a couple of ad libs yielded good returns too. I'm trying to work on a bad habit that I currently have of occasionally overrunning. This impacted on the end of my set where I rushed slightly which knocked the rhythm of one of the punchlines. I also ended on my most objectionable piece of material without the follow up which softens the blow. Still, none of that matters a tremendous amount. I am making more of a...

I'm starting a week off work with a lovely trip down to the south coast to Brighton, where I've got a gig with Laughing Horse at The Quadrant this evening. It's a gig I've done a few times before and I've always had a good time. I'm the sort of person who assumes that merely pointing that out will result in me suffering the worst on stage death in my life tonight. But let's hope not. I neglected to mention my gig in Rainham, Essex on this blog a couple of weeks ago. It was a somewhat unusual setup, a competition where the two promoters commented on each act. It felt more like a showcase/audition than an actual gig, with four actual punters and the remaining eleven acts making up the audience. I wasn't at my best but was put through to a semi final which is taking place next week. After a busy-ish period of study/interviews, I'm trying to get back on the comedy horse proper and get a few more gigs on the go. I need the threat of open mics to spur ...

Strange things happen towards the end of football seasons. Very strange things are happening towards the end of this one. Ten days ago I was convinced Sunderland would be relegated, having finally found themselves in the bottom 3, a position they largely deserved due to their insipid performances in the previous 33 matches. A narrow win at home to Southampton gave a smidge of hope. Yesterday's deeply implausible 0-2 away victory at Everton lifted them out of the bottom three, courtesy of a first Sunderland goal for Danny Graham and a late second for Jermaine Defoe.  Last year, Graham found himself in the wilderness after a very poor start to his Sunderland career. It's a credit to him and his character that he's come out from the shadows to provide a catalyst for a surprise upturn in fortune. He probably knew very little about the goal, deflecting a wayward Jordi Gomez shot past Tim Howard, but try and find a Sunderland fan who cares. It was a somewhat fortituous victory,...

Eliza And The Bear play melodic indie rock. They've got the sort of sound that seems calibrated to bother the mainstream, with a fair bit of Mumford and Sons-esque strumming. Indeed, they open tonight with "Friends", a song whose "I've got friends, I've got family here" refrain was mostly recently heard in a Bulmers advert. They're adept at putting energy into a room and enjoyable enough over a half hour set. I sensed when this gig was announced that the 5000 capacity Brixton Academy would be a bit of a stretch for Twin Atlantic. So it proved, with a 3/4 full stalls and barely anyone on the balcony. On reflection though, I enjoyed this gig more than the band's show at the Roundhouse in November. That gig saw the band playing all the tracks off their new "Great Divide" record, which exposed some of its filler tracks. Brixton saw a much more balanced set, combining the big hitting new tracks ("I Am An Animal" and "Actions...

Well, I don't think any of us expected that. A 331 seat Conservative majority, 232 seats for Labour, 56 seats for the SNP and the pretty much complete decimation of the Liberal Democrats (8 seats, down from 57). An exceedingly good day for the incumbents, prompting the resignation of Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage (the look on Al Murray's face when he discovered Farage had lost in South Thanet really was something). David Miliband has said today that his heart goes out to his brother, but I am presumably not the only one wondering what might have transpired if he had gained leadership of Labour instead. There will be questions to be answered over the coming days, weeks and months, not least how the polling which claimed the two parties were neck and neck could have proved to be so wildly inaccurate. I'm neither particularly happy nor particularly sad about this result. Jo Johnson (Boris' brother) triumphed in Orpington as expected, with 7272 votes more than ...

Off to the polls then. Pro-Labour fervour has been such on social media in the past few days that one would assume a landslide victory, assuming no-one who doesn't spend all the time on the internet votes differently. I don't share the same views as many of my contemporaries. I am unhappy with what the Conservative/Liberal Democrat coalition have done over the past five years. In particular, as someone who has been on Jobseekers Allowance in the not too distant past, the draconian sanctions placed upon benefit claimants are completely unjustifiable. The creeping privitisation of the NHS is also of great concern. This does not make me particularly well disposed towards Labour or Ed Miliband, who I have serious reservations about as Prime Minister of this country. I feel that they will not offer a significant change from the status quo.  I appreciate that others feel differently, but I'm not going to greet the Labour led coalition that will probably emerge over the next cou...

Previous Weight: 21 stone, 2.5 pounds. New Weight: 21 stone, 4 pounds . Weight Gain: 1.5 pounds . Total 2015 Weight Gain: 1 pound . Oh boy. I am really not very good at this at all. I had grand designs this year to lose a considerably amount of weight and that is rapidly flying out of the window. Chief among the culprits in the past week was another trip to Five Guys (great burgers but not worth it, particularly not financially), two more Krispy Kreme doughnuts (the hazelnut one is very good), seven other doughnuts of differing varieties and a trip to my old haunt ICCO on Goodge Street for another of their sizable pizzas. I'm caught between two stools on this particular issue. One, I'm obviously someone who enjoys food and wants to continue enjoying food within reason. I don't want to endlessly entwine my self worth with the numbers I see on the scale. On the other hand, I know if I stay at this weight for a long period of time, my health over the next few years is g...

The Xcerts opened the show. I've seen them three times over the past eight months and have largely thought the same thing each time. That they're basically unremarkable. They play rock that's very middle of the road, largely inoffensive but with nothing to really distinguish them. The exception is "Slackerpop", during which the band succeed in coaxing a singalong out of a largely reticient crowd due to its hook laden chorus. Onto Motion City Soundtrack then, playing their first London headline show since September 2012. Perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder, as this was the most fun I've had at a gig in a long time. There was a nostalgic element certainly in listening to "Commit This To Memory" in full, their breakout 2005 record. From opener "Attractive Today" (a 2 minute track that succinctly encapsulates what it is to be young and lost), to the huge synth line of "Time Turned Fragile", to the heartbreaking "Hold Me...

It's a good job bank holidays don't mean an awful lot to me as I am currently something of a sweaty, wheezing, sore throated mess. I have roused myself from my sick bed as there is too much at stake. By which I mean I am unprepared to miss Motion City Soundtrack playing "Commit This To Memory at Koko tonight. By the way, if I have to hear "May the 4th be with you" one more time, I may not be responsible for my actions. I neglected to mention that I caught The History Boys at the Churchill Theatre on Saturday night. Well acted and highly enjoyable, it made me think about my own relationship with education. Even at this point, I'm not sure whether I was truly passionate about education or whether I was simply proficient at it as a box ticking exercise. It's difficult to feel positive about the academic background when I am still unable to reap any tangible rewards from it*.  However, I can heartily agree with Rudge's assertion during his mock Oxbrid...

It's been a rollercoaster weekend at the business end of the football season. First, Newcastle lost their seventh match in a row (and two players to red cards) in a 0-3 defeat at Leicester. It was a result that meant Sunderland pretty much had to win at home to Southampton, who had put eight goals past us earlier in the season. Two penalties and a one man advantage later, we secured a 2-1 victory that looked deeply implausible at the start of the day. Meanwhile in the Championship, Bournemouth pipped Watford to the title and Brentford crept into the play offs at the expense of Derby, who had been in the top six since September. Derby had lost last season's play off final, a match they really should have won. It goes to show that the second tier is an exceedingly difficult division to get out of, whoever you are. I suspect that despite our win yesterday, that's a lesson Sunderland will learn first hand next season. But they've given themselves a chance. I think realist...

On Thursday night, I headed to Hackney's terribly trendy Oslo nightclub to see indie rock heroes Tellison. They were supported by Johnny Foreigner who I've now seen three times. Listening to them is like listening to four bands at once, none of whom are very good. Their loud punkish caterwauling has generated a cult following and they have a certain Marmite quality to them. Regrettably, they still don't do anything for me, I'm afraid. I believe that Oslo has only very recently starting putting on gigs and I wonder whether that's had an impact on certain sound and feedback issues which reared their head early on. Fortunately Tellison took this in their stride. Having seen them play to near empty rooms on more than one occasion, it's heartening to see them in front of 400 odd people tonight. Opening with "Get On", the band clearly mean business tonight. It's a fun set, showcasing some tracks from their long awaited third record due out later in t...

While We're Young concerns a middle aged couple, Josh (a distinguished looking Ben Stiller) and Cornelia (Naomi Watts). Josh is a struggling documentarian living in the shadow of his distinguished father in law (Charles Grodin) while Cornelia is coming to terms with her inability to conceive a child. They meet Jamie (Adam Driver) and Darby (Amanda Seyfried), a young couple whose attitude to life seems to invigorate them. It's Driver who steals this movie. Coming on screen wearing what can only be described a "douchbag hat", it's a pitch perfect performance that encapsulates the entitlement and unflappable self-confidence of a particular type of young person. I found that the film worked best when demonstrating how cast adrift Josh and Cornelia are, both from the unspoken pressures to raise a family from their other middle aged friends and from their own youth that they're struggling to reclaim. The comedic highlight comes when Cornelia is invited to a mother...